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5eb5b81ac9
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21bc5c56a9
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1
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00:00:00,233 --> 00:00:01,968
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In the interest of my New Year's resolution
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2
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to not talk about magic the gathering anymore...
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3
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let's do a quick one about another formerly
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4
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beloved magical IP.
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5
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00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,711
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“How I wish for J.K. Rowling to write more wizard
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6
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00:00:11,711 --> 00:00:13,913
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stories and she wrote Fantastic Beast”
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7
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00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,582
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This may be a hot take, but the
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8
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00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:18,084
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entire Harry Potter universe has an elephant in
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9
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the room about how its entire plot works.
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10
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Wizards are dumb.
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11
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00:00:22,622 --> 00:00:24,624
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And I don't mean the IP is bad
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12
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00:00:24,624 --> 00:00:25,892
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and you shouldn't like it.
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13
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00:00:25,892 --> 00:00:27,894
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That's left as an exercise for the reader.
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14
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I mean the wizarding world is canonically top
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15
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to bottom infested with fucking morons.
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16
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00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:35,368
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Of course it would be.
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17
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00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,637
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Point one, think about how eagerly your brain
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18
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will offload thought.
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19
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00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:41,641
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Quick, when's your sister's dog's birthday?
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20
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00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:43,643
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Fuck knows, you own a calendar.
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21
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00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:45,879
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Give driving directions from your high school to
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22
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your current favorite bar.
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23
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00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,349
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Who knows, just pull up GPS.
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24
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00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,718
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Do you have the speed of sound memorized?
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25
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00:00:53,653 --> 00:00:55,355
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Einstein would just look it up.
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26
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00:00:55,855 --> 00:00:57,724
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So it follows that wizards have an attitude
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27
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of waving a stick and saying some words
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28
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works reliably enough.
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29
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00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:02,529
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Who cares why?
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30
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Point two, there is precisely one catch-all
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31
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gen-ed class at Hogwarts.
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32
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Here's a fun game.
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33
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00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,371
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The next time someone says “they should teach
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34
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00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:14,207
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(blank) in schools”, ask them what existing courses
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35
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they're going to get rid of to make room.
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36
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Student schedules have been over full forever -
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37
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00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:20,980
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And at Hogwarts, who knows what they discarded
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38
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for magic.
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39
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00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:24,284
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Anyway, think about how many plot holes are
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40
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filled in:
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41
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1. why are wizards hiding from muggles in
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42
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spite of Avada Kedavra?
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43
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00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:32,125
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There's some conflicting information in the books -
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44
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00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:35,361
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it's The "killing curse", implying it's the only one.
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45
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But for example, sectum-sempra would kill someone, eventually.
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46
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Avada Kedavra is apparently guaranteed instant death if
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47
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00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,905
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we ignore Barty claiming he could tank a
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48
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room full and come out of it with
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49
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00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:48,074
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a nosebleed.
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50
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00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,710
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The whole reason Harry is a celebrity is
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51
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that he's apparently the only known person to
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52
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have survived at once.
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53
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So apparently every kid with a wand is
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54
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walking around with instant death on a stick.
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55
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How did wizards get persecuted into hiding by
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56
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muggles when they can fly and muggles were
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57
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still horse-centric?
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58
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00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:08,962
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Because they don't have as much control of
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59
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magic as they tell you they do.
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60
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00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:12,665
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If a wand and the knowledge of Avada
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61
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00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:15,335
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Kedavra is a handgun with infinite ammo, it
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62
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00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:16,903
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still has to be aimed and it takes
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63
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time to execute.
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64
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00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,073
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So maybe it's feasible for muggles to beat
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65
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00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:23,209
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any given wizard's UnFoRgIvAbLe DaRk MaGiC by sending
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66
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two dudes with blunderbusses, three to be extra sure.
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67
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00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,849
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2. why do wizards have to enslave house
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68
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elves to cook and clean when there's a
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69
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clean-up-the-room-spell?
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70
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00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:37,557
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Has there never been a great wizard Microwavicus Boyardee?
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71
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4. look at all the construction -
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72
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the Weasleys just magic'd up their house and
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73
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whatever building came out is as good as
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74
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they're ever going to get.
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75
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Magical construction predicted vibe coding by 20 years.
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76
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00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:53,907
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Hogwarts has a whimsical labyrinth of stairs with
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77
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lots of moving parts, surely because a spiral
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78
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00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,579
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staircase with regular landings just never occurred to them.
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79
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00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,782
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Wizards have tardis-camp-tents and yet not
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80
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00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:05,185
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every wizard rents a cheap storage unit to
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81
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store a port key to their palatial mansion.
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82
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5. are spells invented or discovered?
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83
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We see zero evidence that any wizard has
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84
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ever had an inkling of curiosity about the
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85
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fundamental nature of magic itself.
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86
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“You dare use my own spell against me Potter”
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87
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00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:27,207
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Snape apparently created sectum sempra -
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88
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00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:30,310
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Did he upload that to the leylines?
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89
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00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:33,279
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Or did he just go “wow, wave wand
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90
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00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:35,582
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in this motion, say these words...
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91
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conveniently it works.
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92
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00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,719
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I don’t know why but it’ll work for you!”
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93
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00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,322
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Harry's too dumb to have ever invented a
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94
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spell, surely, but Hermione must have.
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95
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00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:48,861
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6. why do evil characters keep demonstrating how
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96
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much they don't care about their loyal subordinates
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97
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00:03:51,197 --> 00:03:53,199
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but going through trouble to bust them out
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98
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00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:53,833
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of jail?
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99
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00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,370
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Because those henchmen are an unfathomably rare specimen
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100
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00:03:57,370 --> 00:04:00,039
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of a coworker with some basic competency.
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101
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00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,309
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3. hi, I tore the very fabric of
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102
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00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,245
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time and space to move this point to
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103
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00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:05,778
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the back.
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104
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00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:08,147
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They issued a time travel locket to a
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105
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third grader.
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106
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00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:10,850
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To be honest, none of the rest of
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107
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these even matter.
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108
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00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:15,188
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No wonder the "fEaReD dArK lOrD" who lost
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||||||
109
|
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00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:18,191
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a 1v1 against literally a baby got brought
|
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||||||
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||||||
110
|
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00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,393
|
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back to life and had the world reconquered
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111
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00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:21,461
|
|
||||||
in a few months.
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112
|
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||||||
00:04:21,894 --> 00:04:23,663
|
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||||||
You might wonder why I haven't touched on
|
|
||||||
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|
||||||
113
|
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||||||
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:26,466
|
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||||||
the seemingly paradoxical rarity of liquid luck.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
114
|
|
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00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:29,802
|
|
||||||
There is a good in-universe justification for
|
|
||||||
|
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||||||
115
|
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00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:32,605
|
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why it isn't dispensed out of fountains every
|
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116
|
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00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:33,206
|
|
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10 feet.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
117
|
|
||||||
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,743
|
|
||||||
Welcome to the real video, the actual point
|
|
||||||
|
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||||||
118
|
|
||||||
00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,077
|
|
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I'm getting around to.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
119
|
|
||||||
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:41,648
|
|
||||||
The narrative function of Felix Felicis is actually
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
120
|
|
||||||
00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:42,282
|
|
||||||
great.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
121
|
|
||||||
00:04:42,582 --> 00:04:47,453
|
|
||||||
Even ignoring toxicity, it can't possibly not warp
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
122
|
|
||||||
00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:48,421
|
|
||||||
your perspective.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
123
|
|
||||||
00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:52,925
|
|
||||||
Analogy, suppose we invented a chemically perfect painkiller.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
124
|
|
||||||
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:55,495
|
|
||||||
This hypothetical wonder drug has no other side
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
125
|
|
||||||
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:58,665
|
|
||||||
effects, isn't toxic, isn't directly addictive, and is
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
126
|
|
||||||
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:00,867
|
|
||||||
somehow so cheap that everyone has a lifetime
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
127
|
|
||||||
00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:01,668
|
|
||||||
supply.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
128
|
|
||||||
00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:03,636
|
|
||||||
You should still abstain.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
129
|
|
||||||
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,805
|
|
||||||
Pain is data and if this drug is
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
130
|
|
||||||
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,141
|
|
||||||
just obscuring that data from you, you won't
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
131
|
|
||||||
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,877
|
|
||||||
realize that your damage is outpacing your healing.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
132
|
|
||||||
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:12,545
|
|
||||||
Do you like sunlight?
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
133
|
|
||||||
00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:15,415
|
|
||||||
If not for the emotional reaction of avoiding
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
134
|
|
||||||
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,183
|
|
||||||
sunburn, how long do you think it will
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
135
|
|
||||||
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:19,385
|
|
||||||
be before you give yourself skin cancer?
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
136
|
|
||||||
00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:22,789
|
|
||||||
Likewise, Felix Felicis offers to do too much
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
137
|
|
||||||
00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:23,256
|
|
||||||
for you.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
138
|
|
||||||
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:25,525
|
|
||||||
I'm sure you know someone who has atypical
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
139
|
|
||||||
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:28,094
|
|
||||||
advantages working for them and thinks that's just
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
140
|
|
||||||
00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:29,162
|
|
||||||
how the world works.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
141
|
|
||||||
00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:32,332
|
|
||||||
“You live in a bubble where people do
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
142
|
|
||||||
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,200
|
|
||||||
what you want and tell you what you
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
143
|
|
||||||
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:34,767
|
|
||||||
want to hear.”
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
144
|
|
||||||
00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:38,671
|
|
||||||
Because as Churchill didn't quite say - “we shape
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
145
|
|
||||||
00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:41,507
|
|
||||||
our tools and afterwards our tools shape us”.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
146
|
|
||||||
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:43,976
|
|
||||||
A person acclimates to their tools.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
147
|
|
||||||
00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:46,346
|
|
||||||
Like I referenced above, no one can remember
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
148
|
|
||||||
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,615
|
|
||||||
birthdays because calendar software is a solved problem.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
149
|
|
||||||
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,684
|
|
||||||
No one can do mental math because we
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
150
|
|
||||||
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,686
|
|
||||||
reliably have a calculator with us.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
151
|
|
||||||
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,989
|
|
||||||
Countless rhymes to share intuitions about tomorrow's weather
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
152
|
|
||||||
00:05:56,989 --> 00:06:00,159
|
|
||||||
have been made obsolete by the National Weather Service.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
153
|
|
||||||
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:03,563
|
|
||||||
This is all great. Victories of engineering. But
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
154
|
|
||||||
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:06,466
|
|
||||||
it's still not okay to remain entirely ignorant.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
155
|
|
||||||
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,369
|
|
||||||
Calendar software is a solved problem thanks to
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
156
|
|
||||||
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,971
|
|
||||||
the VCAL standard, so an entity that obscures
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
157
|
|
||||||
00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:14,040
|
|
||||||
it from you is trying to unsolve the
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
158
|
|
||||||
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,975
|
|
||||||
problem and make you dependent on them so
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
159
|
|
||||||
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:17,276
|
|
||||||
they can raise their price.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
160
|
|
||||||
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,412
|
|
||||||
A calculator is a great thing to have
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
161
|
|
||||||
00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:21,381
|
|
||||||
with you, so imagine if your device's owner
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
162
|
|
||||||
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,349
|
|
||||||
didn't deign to give you a calculator.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
163
|
|
||||||
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,052
|
|
||||||
In both of those cases, you'd offload your
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
164
|
|
||||||
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,287
|
|
||||||
thought to a service, which then stops.
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
165
|
|
||||||
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,723
|
|
||||||
So shape your tools to be sure the
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
166
|
|
||||||
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,992
|
|
||||||
way they shape you back is acceptable.
|
|
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Reference in New Issue
Block a user