diff --git a/src/potterverse.srt b/src/potterverse.srt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1644c83 --- /dev/null +++ b/src/potterverse.srt @@ -0,0 +1,663 @@ +1 +00:00:00,233 --> 00:00:01,968 +In the interest of my New Year's resolution + +2 +00:00:01,968 --> 00:00:05,005 +to not talk about magic the gathering anymore... + +3 +00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:07,307 +let's do a quick one about another formerly + +4 +00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:08,808 +beloved magical IP. + +5 +00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,711 +“How I wish for J.K. Rowling to write more wizard + +6 +00:00:11,711 --> 00:00:13,913 +stories and she wrote Fantastic Beast” + +7 +00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,582 +This may be a hot take, but the + +8 +00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:18,084 +entire Harry Potter universe has an elephant in + +9 +00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:20,286 +the room about how its entire plot works. + +10 +00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,055 +Wizards are dumb. + +11 +00:00:22,622 --> 00:00:24,624 +And I don't mean the IP is bad + +12 +00:00:24,624 --> 00:00:25,892 +and you shouldn't like it. + +13 +00:00:25,892 --> 00:00:27,894 +That's left as an exercise for the reader. + +14 +00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:30,864 +I mean the wizarding world is canonically top + +15 +00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,433 +to bottom infested with fucking morons. + +16 +00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:35,368 +Of course it would be. + +17 +00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,637 +Point one, think about how eagerly your brain + +18 +00:00:37,637 --> 00:00:38,905 +will offload thought. + +19 +00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:41,641 +Quick, when's your sister's dog's birthday? + +20 +00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:43,643 +Fuck knows, you own a calendar. + +21 +00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:45,879 +Give driving directions from your high school to + +22 +00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,013 +your current favorite bar. + +23 +00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,349 +Who knows, just pull up GPS. + +24 +00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,718 +Do you have the speed of sound memorized? + +25 +00:00:53,653 --> 00:00:55,355 +Einstein would just look it up. + +26 +00:00:55,855 --> 00:00:57,724 +So it follows that wizards have an attitude + +27 +00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:00,026 +of waving a stick and saying some words + +28 +00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,361 +works reliably enough. + +29 +00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:02,529 +Who cares why? + +30 +00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,899 +Point two, there is precisely one catch-all + +31 +00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,901 +gen-ed class at Hogwarts. + +32 +00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:09,369 +Here's a fun game. + +33 +00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,371 +The next time someone says “they should teach + +34 +00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:14,207 +(blank) in schools”, ask them what existing courses + +35 +00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:16,142 +they're going to get rid of to make room. + +36 +00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:18,545 +Student schedules have been over full forever - + +37 +00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:20,980 +And at Hogwarts, who knows what they discarded + +38 +00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:21,648 +for magic. + +39 +00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:24,284 +Anyway, think about how many plot holes are + +40 +00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:24,884 +filled in: + +41 +00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,821 +1. why are wizards hiding from muggles in + +42 +00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:29,422 +spite of Avada Kedavra? + +43 +00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:32,125 +There's some conflicting information in the books - + +44 +00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:35,361 +it's The "killing curse", implying it's the only one. + +45 +00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:39,866 +But for example, sectum-sempra would kill someone, eventually. + +46 +00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:43,837 +Avada Kedavra is apparently guaranteed instant death if + +47 +00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,905 +we ignore Barty claiming he could tank a + +48 +00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:47,207 +room full and come out of it with + +49 +00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:48,074 +a nosebleed. + +50 +00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,710 +The whole reason Harry is a celebrity is + +51 +00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:53,179 +that he's apparently the only known person to + +52 +00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:54,414 +have survived at once. + +53 +00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:57,150 +So apparently every kid with a wand is + +54 +00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:59,619 +walking around with instant death on a stick. + +55 +00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:02,889 +How did wizards get persecuted into hiding by + +56 +00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:05,358 +muggles when they can fly and muggles were + +57 +00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:06,493 +still horse-centric? + +58 +00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:08,962 +Because they don't have as much control of + +59 +00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,630 +magic as they tell you they do. + +60 +00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:12,665 +If a wand and the knowledge of Avada + +61 +00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:15,335 +Kedavra is a handgun with infinite ammo, it + +62 +00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:16,903 +still has to be aimed and it takes + +63 +00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:18,004 +time to execute. + +64 +00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,073 +So maybe it's feasible for muggles to beat + +65 +00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:23,209 +any given wizard's UnFoRgIvAbLe DaRk MaGiC by sending + +66 +00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:26,579 +two dudes with blunderbusses, three to be extra sure. + +67 +00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,849 +2. why do wizards have to enslave house + +68 +00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:31,784 +elves to cook and clean when there's a + +69 +00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:33,286 +clean-up-the-room-spell? + +70 +00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:37,557 +Has there never been a great wizard Microwavicus Boyardee? + +71 +00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,860 +4. look at all the construction - + +72 +00:02:40,927 --> 00:02:42,962 +the Weasleys just magic'd up their house and + +73 +00:02:42,962 --> 00:02:44,764 +whatever building came out is as good as + +74 +00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:46,132 +they're ever going to get. + +75 +00:02:47,066 --> 00:02:50,603 +Magical construction predicted vibe coding by 20 years. + +76 +00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:53,907 +Hogwarts has a whimsical labyrinth of stairs with + +77 +00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:56,509 +lots of moving parts, surely because a spiral + +78 +00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,579 +staircase with regular landings just never occurred to them. + +79 +00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,782 +Wizards have tardis-camp-tents and yet not + +80 +00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:05,185 +every wizard rents a cheap storage unit to + +81 +00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,620 +store a port key to their palatial mansion. + +82 +00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,157 +5. are spells invented or discovered? + +83 +00:03:11,624 --> 00:03:13,860 +We see zero evidence that any wizard has + +84 +00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,162 +ever had an inkling of curiosity about the + +85 +00:03:16,162 --> 00:03:18,398 +fundamental nature of magic itself. + +86 +00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:24,003 +“You dare use my own spell against me Potter” + +87 +00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:27,207 +Snape apparently created sectum sempra - + +88 +00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:30,310 +Did he upload that to the leylines? + +89 +00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:33,279 +Or did he just go “wow, wave wand + +90 +00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:35,582 +in this motion, say these words... + +91 +00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:37,250 +conveniently it works. + +92 +00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,719 +I don’t know why but it’ll work for you!” + +93 +00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,322 +Harry's too dumb to have ever invented a + +94 +00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:44,724 +spell, surely, but Hermione must have. + +95 +00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:48,861 +6. why do evil characters keep demonstrating how + +96 +00:03:48,861 --> 00:03:51,197 +much they don't care about their loyal subordinates + +97 +00:03:51,197 --> 00:03:53,199 +but going through trouble to bust them out + +98 +00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:53,833 +of jail? + +99 +00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,370 +Because those henchmen are an unfathomably rare specimen + +100 +00:03:57,370 --> 00:04:00,039 +of a coworker with some basic competency. + +101 +00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,309 +3. hi, I tore the very fabric of + +102 +00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,245 +time and space to move this point to + +103 +00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:05,778 +the back. + +104 +00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:08,147 +They issued a time travel locket to a + +105 +00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:08,815 +third grader. + +106 +00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:10,850 +To be honest, none of the rest of + +107 +00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:11,751 +these even matter. + +108 +00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:15,188 +No wonder the "fEaReD dArK lOrD" who lost + +109 +00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:18,191 +a 1v1 against literally a baby got brought + +110 +00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,393 +back to life and had the world reconquered + +111 +00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:21,461 +in a few months. + +112 +00:04:21,894 --> 00:04:23,663 +You might wonder why I haven't touched on + +113 +00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:26,466 +the seemingly paradoxical rarity of liquid luck. + +114 +00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:29,802 +There is a good in-universe justification for + +115 +00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:32,605 +why it isn't dispensed out of fountains every + +116 +00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:33,206 +10 feet. + +117 +00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,743 +Welcome to the real video, the actual point + +118 +00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,077 +I'm getting around to. + +119 +00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:41,648 +The narrative function of Felix Felicis is actually + +120 +00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:42,282 +great. + +121 +00:04:42,582 --> 00:04:47,453 +Even ignoring toxicity, it can't possibly not warp + +122 +00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:48,421 +your perspective. + +123 +00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:52,925 +Analogy, suppose we invented a chemically perfect painkiller. + +124 +00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:55,495 +This hypothetical wonder drug has no other side + +125 +00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:58,665 +effects, isn't toxic, isn't directly addictive, and is + +126 +00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:00,867 +somehow so cheap that everyone has a lifetime + +127 +00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:01,668 +supply. + +128 +00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:03,636 +You should still abstain. + +129 +00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,805 +Pain is data and if this drug is + +130 +00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,141 +just obscuring that data from you, you won't + +131 +00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,877 +realize that your damage is outpacing your healing. + +132 +00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:12,545 +Do you like sunlight? + +133 +00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:15,415 +If not for the emotional reaction of avoiding + +134 +00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,183 +sunburn, how long do you think it will + +135 +00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:19,385 +be before you give yourself skin cancer? + +136 +00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:22,789 +Likewise, Felix Felicis offers to do too much + +137 +00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:23,256 +for you. + +138 +00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:25,525 +I'm sure you know someone who has atypical + +139 +00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:28,094 +advantages working for them and thinks that's just + +140 +00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:29,162 +how the world works. + +141 +00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:32,332 +“You live in a bubble where people do + +142 +00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,200 +what you want and tell you what you + +143 +00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:34,767 +want to hear.” + +144 +00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:38,671 +Because as Churchill didn't quite say - “we shape + +145 +00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:41,507 +our tools and afterwards our tools shape us”. + +146 +00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:43,976 +A person acclimates to their tools. + +147 +00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:46,346 +Like I referenced above, no one can remember + +148 +00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,615 +birthdays because calendar software is a solved problem. + +149 +00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,684 +No one can do mental math because we + +150 +00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,686 +reliably have a calculator with us. + +151 +00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,989 +Countless rhymes to share intuitions about tomorrow's weather + +152 +00:05:56,989 --> 00:06:00,159 +have been made obsolete by the National Weather Service. + +153 +00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:03,563 +This is all great. Victories of engineering. But + +154 +00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:06,466 +it's still not okay to remain entirely ignorant. + +155 +00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,369 +Calendar software is a solved problem thanks to + +156 +00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,971 +the VCAL standard, so an entity that obscures + +157 +00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:14,040 +it from you is trying to unsolve the + +158 +00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,975 +problem and make you dependent on them so + +159 +00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:17,276 +they can raise their price. + +160 +00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,412 +A calculator is a great thing to have + +161 +00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:21,381 +with you, so imagine if your device's owner + +162 +00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,349 +didn't deign to give you a calculator. + +163 +00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,052 +In both of those cases, you'd offload your + +164 +00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,287 +thought to a service, which then stops. + +165 +00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,723 +So shape your tools to be sure the + +166 +00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,992 +way they shape you back is acceptable.