I got a joke for you: wealth trickles down.
Why did the celebrity egg start losing her friends? They called her a shell-out.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
The best time on a watch is 6:30, hands down. (ask your parents, young ones)
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them.
Why did the hand cross the road? To get to the secondhand store.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Dam.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
Don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
I don't trust stairs. They're up to something.
What did the teacher do with the students report on cheese? Grated it.
What do you call a man with no legs and arms in a pool? Bob.
I was going to tell a joke about hammers but ...I don't think I'll nail it
why did the can recycler quit his job? because it was so depressing.
They told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
When I was a child, I threw a boomerang, but it didn't come back. I live in constant fear.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
A termite walks into the bar and asks; is the bartender here?
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
Are people born with photographic memories? or does it take time to develop (ask your parents, young ones)
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’
A blind man walked into a bar. and a table. and a chair.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”