more jokes

no i did not say _better_ jokes

jokes.txt

@@ -30,7 +30,7 @@ I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
 A termite walks into the bar and asks; is the bartender here?
 Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
-I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
+I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts, which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
 I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
 Are people born with photographic memories? or does it take time to develop (ask your parents, young ones)
 I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
@@ -42,3 +42,30 @@ How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
 My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
 ברכב שנוסע על 4 גלגלים, איזה גלגל לא זז? גלגל רזרבי
 what's the best part about living in switzerland? well the flag is a big plus.
+I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
+The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
+The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.
+Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
+Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
+I think my neighbor is stalking me. she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
+I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
+I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
+My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
+I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
+eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
+About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
+I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
+I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
+What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "ggggh!"
+R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
+To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
+I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
+Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
+People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", but nobody's laughing now.
+I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
+I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
+Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?  It's okay. He woke up.
+Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog." (ask your parents, young ones.)
+Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
+What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.
+When does a pun become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.